So. Existential Kink, I hear you say. And what in the blazes is that?!

Well, in a brief nutshell – this is a somatic practice from the occult teachings of my favourite online witch and teacher, Dr Carolyn Elliott. It guides us away from our minds and all the complicated stories surrounding the situations in our lives that we really don’t like… and instead invites us to drop right down into the wisdom of the body, to simply fully experience the sensations that are arising…when we tap into these irritating, repeated experiences. These hideous old patterns in our lives.

And EK invites us to not only feel it all. EK invites us to dare to let ourselves become it. Become all of ourselves. Invite all parts of us to the table, shamelessly.

The feelings and sensations that we habitually repress, whilst numbing ourselves out with numerous external distractions and poisons.

But EK invites us to drink our own poison. To dive right down into the darkest parts of the well. And access the remedy… 

…inside the power of our deepest subconscious. 

you got the poison, you got the remedy…

And what happens from here can be some crazy kind of magic, borne of that simple curiosity to just dive with wild abandon into sensation in the first place…

Because Existential Kink – as the name suggests – invites us consider that, perhaps, we even like it. (And yes. I’m talking about alllll of it) 

Sooo deliciously devilish.

It was back in 2017 that I began dabbling in Dr Elliott’s work – before promptly coming to the realization that this had been my worldview on life since I even dare to remember…

what with my constant cackling at the cosmic joke

So, come. Let me invite you on board one of my own very recent journeys… 

***

The Electric Blue Fire I Was Calling Anxiety

I feel this very common surge of mine – of generalized anxiety and rapid overwhelm, and I immediately get curious. I mean, this is such an old kink of mine that these days I’m easily able to ramp it up and feel it and encourage and allow it… Hell, what am I talking about? I mean, actually fucking celebrate it, let it burn right through all the cells of my body. And you know, I’m just there lying on my bed, there’s nothing untoward afoot… but now I’m on fire. 

And I feel it. I’m ablaze in it. I allow myself to go on one of the favourite trips of my life, because, after all, that’s all it is. A dream, created by me and the sensations in the depths of my own Being. What is there to be afraid of? 

Yes, I’m on fire. And that’s because this is what is arising in me right now. I am the fire. So I let this be known, and I let myself become it.

As I go on to journey deep inside myself, the fiery sensations become bluer. There’s voltage. They’re an electric fence now, that surrounds my entire body. I see an image of me riding my motorbike, except now there are sparks pinging gloriously off the handlebars… and I’m flying on ahead with a sense of great purpose.

And I simply notice the aliveness in my body, and how this energy simply wants to be channelled …

…with accurate focus

…and  in one direction only. 

(Oh, I think. That old chestnut!

I think they call it ‘presence’..?!)

And now I understand that what I had previously thought to be anxiety, and overwhelm… is just the activation of life-force energy. It wants to move through me with a will that is relentless. Unstoppable. And I see that when I harness it, it’s fast. It penetrates.

I ask it to speak, this electric blue fire. And its voice comes through so precise, and full of glee.

Allow me, it commands me, just let me take over! Let me be the arrow that shoots from the core of your being … to pierce right through to the heart of the bullseye. 

Like a bolt of fucking lightening

I ask it what happens when I judge this feeling to be ‘too much to handle’? And the answer is clear. I fall victim to the belief that I am not capable of riding this wild, wild horse.

And when I tap into that vibration: of suppression and contraction, and the denial and avoidance of this high sensation.. ha! I still feel the very same high sensation – except, now, all that electric energy inside me is conducted into – and experienced as – agonizing angst.

It simply starts to scatter and splinter. In my ‘not allowing’ it; in my judging and denying it, it’sbecome distorted, and poof! The dark spell I’ve created has transformed it into worry. 

Now I’m no longer riding my electric sparky motorbike. Instead, I see I’m fluttering about, on high overhead, looking down upon a myriad glittering objects…

And believe you me, from this contracted space in myself…  these objects are All. Just. Way Too Hot To Handle. Do I swoop down and try to pick one up? Should I just stay up here? Of course, the doubt and the paralysis just intensifies my experience. The sparks are still flying, but now they’re all in my head as my mind starts to taunt itself and search for the answer.

But, my dears, there is no answer. There is only this energy that wants to be felt, and owned, and lived, and expressed… And the form that this takes is simply all down to me. Me and my choice.  Free will and all that.

**

How conscious can we be about the depths of our shadows?

How much can we dare to love all parts of ourselves… so that they transform, creating new worlds and dimensions? How willing can we get to break through to a different level of this game?

Might we find some pleasure in these dark, taboo places?

Might they turn into portals that open up a myriad of entirely new perspectives? 

This is the approach of Existential Kink. It is simply one of absolute absorption in our own felt inner experience – without shame; without judgment. It’s an approach of allowance; of approval. Of trust and surrender… And not forgetting, of course, that absolute devilish curiosity.

Because, without this, after all …How else do we truly dare to live?

***

My curious dive into the deep dark well means I stop my anxious fluttering.

I fly like a dart.

And guess what? my sizzling blue electric fire says,

I never miss the target.